Liveblogging the Premiere of Top Chef Masters

...Because the challenge is set at my alma mater, POMONA COLLEGE!!!

10:02: Michael Schlow of Radius up. The pastry chef at Radius's ex-boyfriend had a crush on me last summer. True story. I would've stuck with the pastry chef.

Whoa, who invited Gandalf? Dude looks badass.

10:03: Been dying to go to Aureole. I think this show is going to add a lot of restaurants to my ever-expanding list of places to hit.

First whole roasted animal spotted.

10:05: Kelly Choi is hot. Bitch stole my career.

10:06: Favorite Top Chef Quickfire? Is it the vending machine challenge?? Nope, dessert. Lame.

10:07: What makes someone a Master rather than just a regular old Top Chef contestant? This kid from Texas is right - he's just a kid from Texas.

10:08: I wonder if anyone has ever tried to scam the Make A Wish Foundation. I have cancer! I got better! Sounds like a job for the Hipster Grifter.

10:10: Those choco balls look foolish. Oh God oh God first spotting of doodoo on a plate. Literally a chocolate turd.

10:13: This is the first time I've liveblogged something. Whew. Thinking about quitting. I'm not funny slash interesting enough.

10:14: The Glad commercial bothers me SO MUCH when the voiceover says "yummy" and the word on the screen says "tasty."

10:15: Serving cookies to a Girl Scout? Your first problem was with conception, my friend.

10:16: What makes something chicken-fried?

Wow, make things in animal shapes. Of COURSE that's the key to sucking up to kids. Just ask any Japanese mom.

10:18: Hey Schlow Chow, way to NOT represent Boston with your plated turds.

10:19 Texas has a sense of humor. Cute.

I'd do Texas.

POMONA COLLEGE NAME DROP WOOOOOOO.

Too bad Pomona dorms DON'T EVEN HAVE HOT PLATES. My friend Janelle, an ex-RA, raises an interesting question: are hot plates even allowed in dorm rooms? I think not, Bravo.

10:20 How did Pomona score this show? WHICH SUPERMARKET IS THAT? SPROUTS? VONS?

Ten bucks from me to me if the dorm they use is Lyon Court.

10:21: Whole Foods? Where is there a Whole Foods near campus??

10:22: Some rookie mistakes from the "Masters" so far. No amateur has pulled off a major shopping FAIL yet. Are autistic kids a worse motivator than self-interest? Let's hope that's not the inevitable conclusion.

10:25: Freezer FAIL. Poor Texas. I retract the statement about doing him.

HARWOOD COURT OMGOMG CLASS OF 2008 SAGEHEN POSTER

10:27: Of course they chose Harwood, the shittiest dormy-looking dorm.

Taking a break, this is getting too good. Don't want to miss a single shining moment of Pomona on Top Chef.

Oh wait, hey current students, HOLLA IF YOU LIVE IN ROOM 113.

10:28: Who is that kid? I don't recognize him. Oh wait, of course I don't, he's a freshman this year.

10:29 The French do it better. Check out that Harwood bathroom looking all...clean.

10:31: oooOOO great clock tower shot.

Ha! Gael Greene was at Pomona! Sitting in the Harwood common room! Looking completely out of place in that ridiculous hat! I am so tickled.

10:33: Haha that kid made a funny. What a Pomona sense of humor.

Mmm eat mi cuit alright. "Adventure in my mouth" Asian girl knows what's up.

10:35 Second spotting of turds on a plate - Tim's braised kale from afar.

"Needs more...zest" is the verdict from my new freshman pet with the Zac Efron hair.

10:36: How did lucky students get chosen? I would've given a whole batch of my eggs.

10:37: ZOMG so excited for NYC Prep.

10:40: Haha what a pretentious foodie joke, that inscrutable big black box with the beeping buttons.

10:44: Mac and cheese is a great foodie-yet-apropos touch. Clever Gandalf.

10:45: So bitter, I bet none of those students appreciated this as much as I would have. Those girl scouts made better critics.

10:47: Oh nonono, silly man in the sweater and glasses, we don't "tailgate" at Pomona. We don't have sporting events. Or cars.

10:48: In which chefs get drunk for the first time. Count it.

10:49: They're not quoting student comments at all. That means they weren't interesting enough. The timing of my life is all wrong.

10:50: Top Chef amateurs are blowing the Masters out of the water so far in terms of plating design. These presentations are hideously real to dorm life.

10:52: Kodak commercial. Is printer ink really such a racket? Someone must do something!

10:55: Ouch, 2.5 stars is technically 50%. Of course Pomona students, being used to grade inflation, would give Schlow Chow a whole point more than the critics.

Boston first to go down, damn.

10:57: "Dowdy dorm room?" Bitch please, Sweaterman, Harwood is VINTAGE.

10:58: The French do it best.

10:59: Is that Doogie Howser?? Is that TRACIE EGAN? If yes, EW.

11:01: Rerunning the episode. SWEET. This time I can actually watch. Signing off, kids.