If you found this blog by Googling my name or by following sundry noxious links (you know where), please note that all claims that I was fired from my job are 100% false, as are most of the other things written about me. I don't know the people who are libeling me, but it's clear they have some imaginary axe to grind and way too much time.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Liveblogging the Premiere of Top Chef Masters

...Because the challenge is set at my alma mater, POMONA COLLEGE!!!

10:02: Michael Schlow of Radius up. The pastry chef at Radius's ex-boyfriend had a crush on me last summer. True story. I would've stuck with the pastry chef.

Whoa, who invited Gandalf? Dude looks badass.

10:03: Been dying to go to Aureole. I think this show is going to add a lot of restaurants to my ever-expanding list of places to hit.

First whole roasted animal spotted.

10:05: Kelly Choi is hot. Bitch stole my career.

10:06: Favorite Top Chef Quickfire? Is it the vending machine challenge?? Nope, dessert. Lame.

10:07: What makes someone a Master rather than just a regular old Top Chef contestant? This kid from Texas is right - he's just a kid from Texas.

10:08: I wonder if anyone has ever tried to scam the Make A Wish Foundation. I have cancer! I got better! Sounds like a job for the Hipster Grifter.

10:10: Those choco balls look foolish. Oh God oh God first spotting of doodoo on a plate. Literally a chocolate turd.

10:13: This is the first time I've liveblogged something. Whew. Thinking about quitting. I'm not funny slash interesting enough.

10:14: The Glad commercial bothers me SO MUCH when the voiceover says "yummy" and the word on the screen says "tasty."

10:15: Serving cookies to a Girl Scout? Your first problem was with conception, my friend.

10:16: What makes something chicken-fried?

Wow, make things in animal shapes. Of COURSE that's the key to sucking up to kids. Just ask any Japanese mom.

10:18: Hey Schlow Chow, way to NOT represent Boston with your plated turds.

10:19 Texas has a sense of humor. Cute.

I'd do Texas.


Too bad Pomona dorms DON'T EVEN HAVE HOT PLATES. My friend Janelle, an ex-RA, raises an interesting question: are hot plates even allowed in dorm rooms? I think not, Bravo.

10:20 How did Pomona score this show? WHICH SUPERMARKET IS THAT? SPROUTS? VONS?

Ten bucks from me to me if the dorm they use is Lyon Court.

10:21: Whole Foods? Where is there a Whole Foods near campus??

10:22: Some rookie mistakes from the "Masters" so far. No amateur has pulled off a major shopping FAIL yet. Are autistic kids a worse motivator than self-interest? Let's hope that's not the inevitable conclusion.

10:25: Freezer FAIL. Poor Texas. I retract the statement about doing him.


10:27: Of course they chose Harwood, the shittiest dormy-looking dorm.

Taking a break, this is getting too good. Don't want to miss a single shining moment of Pomona on Top Chef.

Oh wait, hey current students, HOLLA IF YOU LIVE IN ROOM 113.

10:28: Who is that kid? I don't recognize him. Oh wait, of course I don't, he's a freshman this year.

10:29 The French do it better. Check out that Harwood bathroom looking all...clean.

10:31: oooOOO great clock tower shot.

Ha! Gael Greene was at Pomona! Sitting in the Harwood common room! Looking completely out of place in that ridiculous hat! I am so tickled.

10:33: Haha that kid made a funny. What a Pomona sense of humor.

Mmm eat mi cuit alright. "Adventure in my mouth" Asian girl knows what's up.

10:35 Second spotting of turds on a plate - Tim's braised kale from afar.

"Needs more...zest" is the verdict from my new freshman pet with the Zac Efron hair.

10:36: How did lucky students get chosen? I would've given a whole batch of my eggs.

10:37: ZOMG so excited for NYC Prep.

10:40: Haha what a pretentious foodie joke, that inscrutable big black box with the beeping buttons.

10:44: Mac and cheese is a great foodie-yet-apropos touch. Clever Gandalf.

10:45: So bitter, I bet none of those students appreciated this as much as I would have. Those girl scouts made better critics.

10:47: Oh nonono, silly man in the sweater and glasses, we don't "tailgate" at Pomona. We don't have sporting events. Or cars.

10:48: In which chefs get drunk for the first time. Count it.

10:49: They're not quoting student comments at all. That means they weren't interesting enough. The timing of my life is all wrong.

10:50: Top Chef amateurs are blowing the Masters out of the water so far in terms of plating design. These presentations are hideously real to dorm life.

10:52: Kodak commercial. Is printer ink really such a racket? Someone must do something!

10:55: Ouch, 2.5 stars is technically 50%. Of course Pomona students, being used to grade inflation, would give Schlow Chow a whole point more than the critics.

Boston first to go down, damn.

10:57: "Dowdy dorm room?" Bitch please, Sweaterman, Harwood is VINTAGE.

10:58: The French do it best.

10:59: Is that Doogie Howser?? Is that TRACIE EGAN? If yes, EW.

11:01: Rerunning the episode. SWEET. This time I can actually watch. Signing off, kids.


  1. dude, did you see the kid with the copy of infinite jest?

  2. hey i'm the guy from 113. all my friends are calling me "zest" now. great. and zac efron, really? i think i make a much better corbin bleu

  3. Your life is all downhill from here, kid. Enjoy zest while you can.

    I don't know who Corbin Bleu is. Is he even younger? Uh oh.

  4. Not interesting enough? I actually re-lived the whole show through your comments.

    I saw a couple of those "Masters" in Iron Chef America (cough joke cough) so I think they're somewhat established... somewhat.